I’m trying a new thing. A new old thing.. I’m going to “just write.” This isn’t a polished blog post from an expert of any sort. This is me writing, sort of like a journal entry (think ‘Xanga’ circa 2000). For nobody in particular, but if you can glean from my openness to sharing – I hope it’s something of God.
I’m impressed with where He’s taken me. In my opinion, I’ve had a fairly radical last 12 months. My first born went from trying liquid food for the first time to eating three solid meals plus snacks every day! I’m staying at home with a child for my first full year and considering the routes of homeschooling, more siblings, and what it means to embody a mother spirit that loves likes Jesus. I do my best to worship God and pass down traits that are safe for a child to learn and know. What does it look like to lay down one’s life for another?
My marriage grew exponentially and happened by facing this truth: we’re all sinners and we let each other down some times. Apart from God, we mishandle each other’s blessings and destiny. I learned that “therapy” in all of its forms is never a bad thing. I enjoyed the journey of challenging my brain to form new habits. I learned to not love who I was. Don’t accept the patterns I’ve conformed to or the life I’ve been living. Be her, but better. Stay better. Grow better. Keep on getting better.
I learned how to see Chris’ character apart from his brain’s natural response to stress. When I am aligned in the spirit, I have the opportunity to speak into his good character and encourage him to make conscious and new decisions. I discovered that our spirits can tell our brains how to compute instead of our brains telling our spirits how to react. Anxiety, anyone?
I noticed I can trust myself. I am a responsible adult! “Adulting” isn’t tough – I love it. I live for it. I’m raising the next generation. I’m married to an imperfect man who tries harder than any single person I know. I want Chris to feel how much he’s loved by God. My parents can and should rely on me! My family is safe in my home, my mind, and my heart. My friends names are written in my prayers. This, this is the life I want to live and proclaim.
With that being said: if you’re still here – thanks! This isn’t a cutesy Instagram caption, I have no brand. I am the most imperfect person I know. I chose to get better. I chose to stop speaking into madness, discord, perversion, highly caffeinated and lowly categorized lifestyles… instead, I would speak into God. Here are my prayers in the past 8 or so months.
Cue ‘Enough‘ by Antoine Bradford.
April 2019:
“Father, please rid me entirely of flesh pride, desire, and ignorance. Saturate me with Your loving kindness, Your knowledge, and revival. I long to be aligned with You entirely and not escaping to the shadows time and time again. I want to be seen by You at all times; to be obedient and be used for Your goodness and purpose. I’m here, I’m ready to change.”
God picked up that prayer, that very day, and began to lead me to the other side. He’s walked alongside of me as I doubted His law, as I’ve misconstrued His Word, and when I took missteps time and time again. Every day instead of praying “help me,” I prayed: “use me!” God doesn’t look for perfection in us, but willingness and surrender. He makes us good!
July 2019:
“How often am I holding myself back from Your favor? How frequently have I stayed in the shadows when You’ve called me to the light? I want the Spirit running through my veins, waking me up and lulling me into deep, restful sleeps leading me to the destiny that You’ve called me to. May my judgments only reflect Your heart, let me be Your hands and feet. I’m ready for You, God. Use me to speak however that looks.”
September 2019:
“Knowing that I am operating below my capability leads me to feelings of guilt. Essentially punishing myself for not living at my best potential, I live in a state of pitiful pride. I know how capable I am, but I feel safe when I am unmoving. I feel safe because I am not threatened. I am habitually contemptuous. Lowly proud. “Homebody.”
Not knowing shouldn’t equate to not acting. Success must be built on the foundation of failure. Success without failure is just good luck and luck runs out. A mistake unknown is a lesson unlearned. To learn is to know. Knowledge is power. The “unknown” is powerless against me and for me. I must move. I don’t – not because I can’t, but because I won’t.”
November 2019:
“Dear Jesus,
Please teach me to be better. I want to act instead of react, I want to move instead of sit. Lead me to turn away from temporary and towards eternal. Thank You for using me even when I’m not giving my best. Use me where You want me. I am willing!”
December 2019:
“Something is always looming, clawing at me. It’s hard to live happily, joyfully, or thankfully.”
THEN COMES THE YEAR 2020. My mother calls and invites me to a weeknight class that she felt led to tell me and Chris about. “I’ve already got your dad committed to watching Lewis every single Tuesday so you can be there!” Can we just shout an amen for the faithful parents I get to call my own?! Thank you, Jesus!
JANUARY 2020:
“The tangible awakening in me was that not only are my transgressions covered by God’s grace, but they were perpetuated by an evil and perversion that was so much greater than me. This revelation has put me in touch with this sense of innocence I’ve always innately felt, but I’ve never felt worthy of living into. God knows my life’s plan. How would He tell me this so that I could live it without question? He would CONFIRM my belief!
What is it that can give grief a smile? That can soften hard hearts? Is it any wonder it’s the God who created me and you? Is it any wonder How He loves us? We are mere sinners, yet our PERFECT God LOVES US.
He RIDS us. Cleanses. Keeps NOTHING unholy. He REPLACES not adds to. He BUILDS NEW doesn’t renovate. I must let Him do the WHOLE work in me.”
JANUARY 2020 (2):
“Change me. Continue to work in me. Make me the wife and mother, daughter and sister, friend and passerby that YOU created me to be. Bare new gifts in me. Release me from inner prisons. Lift me to higher places. Remove thoughts meant to break me. Take away fabrication and replace what’s dead and rotting. Pour Your holy oil over my head Lord and give me the gift of the Holy Spirit. Let me be Your vessel! Let me be your songbird. Let me be Your confidant. I love you. Forgive me, oh Lord, for I still sin. Forgive me, oh Lord.”
FEBRUARY 2020:
“I feel God redirecting and turning me outward from a time of much needed self-reflection and healing. I feel momentum in my life picking up, which is funny because it’s physically the slowest in quite some time (down to one vehicle). My desires are less material and more everlasting. It is a time to make stances. It is time to set down the anchor and spend real time fishing these waters.”
FEBRUARY 2020 (2) During class this particular week, I, along with others, was anointed with oil and prayed over for the baptism of the Holy Spirit! These were some notes I took beforehand.
“Gifts operate by faith.
Never pray past the anointing.
Deformation of character with reformation of corresponding virtues takes time.
Live into the virtue opposite of the vice.”
FEBRUARY 2020 (3):
“Thank You Jesus for the infilling of the Holy Spirit! I feel You cleansing me of filth.
1 TIMOTHY 4:14-15 “Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you through the prophecy with the laying on of hands by the council of elders. Put these things into practice, devote yourself to them, so that all may see your progress.”
In order to operate in my gifts fully, I must drop: negative mindsets, inflated or low self-image, pride, self-justification, blame shifting, self-preservation, people-pleasing, carnal reasoning, and procrastination.
I must wait on the Lord with an active, expectant faith. He will test every area of my life in preparation. The foundation of my character will determine the height of my ministry. God’s timetable revolves around my growth/maturity and my willingness to let Him be Lord in all areas of my life.
I dont want to miss any more of God’s best for me. I must put aside doubt and wear freedom to make whatever changes in me that are ncessary to bring about His plan.
Set aside/save money. Prepare to see fruit. Flow with the authority God has placed over and in me. Join with others to practice corporate faith.
I must have fervency in mind and emotional jealousy for the gifts of the spirit! Why? These manifestations are not for my own benefit, but for the benefit of others. It takes an unselfish, dedicated Christian to raise a ministry in purity and maturity.
These GIFTS are manifestations of God’s LOVE + GRACE. Thank You, God! You are SOVEREIGN.”
LAST NIGHT @ CLASS DURING PRAYER TIME:
“The ‘innocence’ I always felt was forgiveness given to me.
That’s all. Prayer is powerful, huh? Proof that God answers.. specifically.. to what we ask. I love HIM! Ok, Lewis just woke up and is yelling “MUH MA!!!!!!” on the monitor so, I’d better go. Sorry for typos!
Love to you, bless you, thanks for being here! – Keryn
